Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
