Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
