You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i believe in u and ur pee
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