I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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