So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
