if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
