Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
