Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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