Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My feet surprised me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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