Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
