I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
