I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
