Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm bleeding and have questions
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