I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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