Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
