Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
