Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
