She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
