I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
