Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
