I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
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i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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