matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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