I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
