Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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