I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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