Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
