No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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