After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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