i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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