seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize