No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
