Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
