i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
