My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
