I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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