girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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