just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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