it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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