you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
