the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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