I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
