News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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