I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
