his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
even my farts smell like vagina
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
