I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
