Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
