Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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