the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
