Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
