Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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