Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
