stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
