i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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