whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
