I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
