i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
