I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
