I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
