He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
