Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
