that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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