Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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